02-14-07 - 13:07
"There are things, I have done
There's a place, I have gone
There's a beast, and I let run
Now it's running my way
There are things, I regret
But you can't forgive, you can't forget
There's a gift, that you send
You sent it my way
So take this night
Wrap it around me like a sheet
I know I'm not forgiven
But I need a place to sleep
So take this night
And lay me down on the street
I know I'm not forgiven
But I hope that I'll be given some peace
There's a game, that I play
There's are rules, I had to break
There's mistakes, that I made
But I made 'em my way
So take this night
Wrap it around me like a sheet
I know I'm not forgiven
But I need a place to sleep
So take this night
And lay me down on the street
I know I'm not forgiven
But I hope that I'll be given some peace"
"blacklab, this night"
So lets see. To catch up. My computer died, my dad flipped his truck twice. I was days away for leaving for the army, but I had to put that off for a few weeks due to the truck flipping. X-girlfriend had her kid. I’ve been avoiding the x-girlfriend in hopes of leaving before I see her. Sold my truck and still need to sell my motorcycle. Found the new type of cycle I will get when I get to my duty station.
On New Years Eve I left the party early in a dark mood. I thought it would be better off if I just left rather than affecting the other people. The streets were iced over and it was cold a freezer. I was walking in my usual manner of brooding and staring at the ground and nothing else. I hear someone talking; I just ignore it, as most likely it doesn’t pertain to me. But the voice gets louder and I notice it is directed at me. So I look up and saw something I didn't expect. A girl about my age was trying to get my attention. The thing that struck me first was that she wasn't wearing a coat. It was roughly ten degrees out. She asked if I could give her a hand crossing the ice covered street seeing as she was wearing high heels with no traction. Being who I am I couldn’t say no. She said she had gotten turned around and wasn't sure how the get back to her house. I grew up in the town and can find my way around blind. So I gave her my coat and started to walk her home. We had some ways to go so we started to converse. It has been along time since I have had such a good conversation. We stopped by my house to warm up and get another coat. We sat at my table for about twenty minuets and she told me about her recent problems with her last boyfriend, I told her about my X getting pregnant and basically asking if I would be the dad. As we got up to leave she kissed me. It was one of those moments when all seems right with the world. A moment of soft lips and dark piercing eyes. We walked the rest of the way to her house with my arm around her to help her keep her balance on the ice and a little selfishness on my part for the simple closeness of two people. She asked me questions about my time in the army because one of her friends just came back from overseas. She talked about growing up on a farm and her friend in the army. I couldn't help but stare as the wind brushed her hair in front of her eyes framing the beauty of her smile. It made me very conscience of the scares I have collected on my face witch lend me some self-consciousness. We got to her house and she insisted that I come in to warm up. I tried to say I was fine but she wouldn't hear it. Inside I glanced at a couple books on her coffee table, books on Plato and some of the other early free thinkers. Everything inside me told me to except her invitation to stay for a wile. But when have I ever done smart. I kissed her goodnight after she put on warmer clothes and she called me her shinning knight. I told her she was the one that truly helped me. The walk home was cold and uninviting. I smell her perfume on the wind teasing me, calling me a fool. I got home and sat in the dark replaying the night’s events in my head, her voice still playing in my ears. I couldn't sleep for hours. The next day she called me to make sure I got home safe. We talked for a bit. Her voice sounding better then I remembered.
I spent the next few days thinking about her. I could only bring myself to call her once, there was no answer and I didn't leave a message. A few of my friends took my phone and called her without me knowing. I knew I was leaving soon and I cared for her too much to chance putting her through a relationship where I would leave near the start. I am just a fool. I kick myself everyday for not trying. But I can’t let myself be happy. My path is one I must walk alone.
