05-05-03 - 19:14
"if your going through hell, keep going"
Churchhill
i seem to use a comp. more on deployment than i did at home. but i never thought it would be in a iraq internet cafe.
the words at the top is a kind of mantra that goes through my head when shit gets wild. it keeps me from loseing control. i have noticed that when hell brakes lose, that a kind of instinced takes over. one that i have to fight off to keep me from,to steal a line, "cry havoc and set lose the dogs of war". in memoreies those times take on a diffrent hew than the real world around me. i don't know if it's just me or not. but it seems like everything is washed in a dark red. it could be i'm just starting to lose my mind.
i seem to be loseing my humor as time washes past. some of the younger soldiers seem to think i was born to do this type of work, but i know i am not even close. this place is far past taxing on any emotions i have left. i no longer care abot coming home, all that was there was striped away from me. the only thing i care about is getting the other home safe. they have family, friends, wifes and kids, somthing to go back to, i will have a empty apartment and a dead end job that i hate to earn money to buy things i don't need. i'm a consumer whore.
i smoke too much and drink too much and barly sleep. when i do sleep, all i have are dreams that have me waking in cold sweats. i nolonger wish for happyness, i only pray for absolution.
at least most of the soldiers in iraq wont get a first hand lesson in hell.
"you are not your fucking kackys"
