06-23-04 - 17:20
"and not to pull your halo down
around your neck and
tug you off your cloud
but I'm more than just a little curious
how you're planning to go about making your amends to the dead, to the dead"
i spent some time reading through my old entry's. i came to understand that i come off a a very dark, self lothing, depressed, blasphemes person. i wish that i could tell you all that I'm not, but the truth is that is the side of me i show no one. i put on a face that is socially excepted. only opening up on some rare occasion that i have become too weak to hide it any more. just smile and node. never say what you feel. i don't know how i became this way, my traits have no place in civilized society. just pretend that nothing bothers you. people re-lie on you being a rock to cry on, or a well to tell there wishes. you can't vent, you can't confide, you can't share you pain. this has become my only outlet. it's the same way on my team. Clark does and does, never needs anything. he can only do his job and nothing else matters to him. he is a robot, you cant break him down.
no one here knows a thing about me. they think that i train for war in my spare time. that i have no real life but combat. when he's not at work he just disappears. hell, no one knows how old i am or where i grew up. they don't even know that at the start of all of this that i had a girl friend, but now she is gone. they ask but i just can't answer. i think they mistake my emptiness for courage and lack of fear. there is only one person in the whole army that knows me at all. brickman. the only real friend i have here. the trusted one, the one that is too much like me. he has seen as much if not more than me. he is the closest thing to family i have here. thats why i protect him so much. i want him to go home to his family. to his new daughter. to have at least a chance. i never wanted this life, never asked for it. but i promise that he will see his family. that is the only good that i can say that i truly do here. just a buffer for the love of family that is not mine. the sad thing is that they think of me as part of there family. i wish that could be true. but i'm not even part of my own family. he once protected me, i will be his protector forever.
