01-20-06 - 00:56
i had taken this of my diary due to the fact it had alot of personal info. but why edit myself?
"Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts so much
To lose the one you love
I tried so hard to hate you
But it only makes things worse
I only end up hating myself
And as my hatred grows
So do the lies
It's hard to face the truth sometimes
God I feel so useless
God I hate myself
When I try to get over you
I hate myself
Will I ever get over you?"
Stabbing Westward
I wonder sometimes if people feel so much hatred at themselves. Or is it just me. Pain has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. My mother died wile I was in the basement, had I checked on the noises she would have been alive. I truly was a dumb kid. I watched as my father came home and tried with everything he had to bring her back. I still remember the way he looked when the paramedics showed up. Like some kind of hero. Blood was on his cheek. I saw him cry once. After she died. He held me and sobbed with me as my world crashed around me. Then he stopped and spoke to me. "Jason, cry now. I love your mother with all my heart. So cry now. But after this we have to be strong. We will be fine."
My father is the only hero I have ever known. In the face of pure pain he thought of my brother and me. She died and I felt the hate begin. Had I only gone up stairs she would be here? I spent years in anger. At myself, at god, at the world. In my mind how could god take the most pure thing from my life? I spent three years hating everything. I had so much anger at nothing. At myself, at people, at the world. I found a woman that gave meaning to my life. . I couldn't stay with her. I didn't want my pain to be felt by her. She was pure. I was corruption. All I touched was destroyed. I joined the army in hopes that I could disappear. But before I left I found a girl that felt for me. But at the same time kept hatred for me. She cheated on me but still I didn't know. I came back. Because of her mindset I became depressed. I tried to kill myself many times. Pills don't work on me. Knives can't cut deep enough. And the hammer on a hand gun didn't work. Some people say god saved them. I don’t believe that. It was after that I found love. She was there for all of my short comings. She loved me for my faults. But I had to leave, the army called me to arms. I spent time in hell. In hell I smiled and laughed at what they sent at me. But it took all that I am from me. I am just left as a shell. I have a flag over my bed that says "this flag is presented to a true American hero in recognition for your service and sacrifice in the cause of freedom" I am no hero. I am just a killer. I have done things that make me feel ill. Tell me, have you ever taken a mans hand off for inciting a riot. I have. I am evil. I look forward to my place in hell. At least it will be warm. I know my mother is looking down on me. She must feel shame. If you ever need an anti-hero to fight your war feel free to tell me. I am like Beowulf. I was born of both beast and angel. Murder is in my blood.
“Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
(But) black roses and Hail Mary’s
can’t bring back what's taken from me
I reach to the sky
and call out your name
and if I could trade
I would”
Offspring
